The Three Little Pigs Slightly Tweaked
by Datenshi Yamashita
Summary: L's telling of a twisted version of a well-known children's story to children Mello, Matt, and Near. Inspired by a conversation I had with a friend while walking home one day. Probably kinda OOC. One-shot.


Disclaimer: I don't own death note … or A death note

Disclaimer: I don't own death note … or A death note... wait, who said I owned one? I don't own one. What are you talking about, I don't have one, why would I have one? .

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It was a clear, sunny afternoon, with an almost vivid blue sky, lush-looking grass, picture-perfect trees, and dense, fluffy clouds scattered throughout the atmosphere… outside.

Unfortunately, L was stuck inside, baby-sitting young children Mello, Matt, and Near for a grand total of 30-45 minutes. He had already spent half that time sitting around, doing nothing but eating various sweets and wondering when Watari, the appointer of this tedious task, would be back, while the two older children run amok and get into trouble and the younger, calmer child sat and played with something or other.

L was just about to enjoy a miniature chocolate filled with fluffy, flavoured cream, when Mello and Matt suddenly approached him, looking quite serious.

"How may I help you?" he asked, wondering what the little four-foot monsters could want.

"We're bored. Tell us a story." Mello demanded.

L sighed. "Go eat your cavity bars or play your brain cell-killing devices. I'm busy." He said, preparing to bite into the candy.

"I said tell us a damn story!" Mello ordered, raising his voice as well as a loaded pistol from his pocket.

"Watch your mouth. And if Watari knew you had a pistol, he'd lock you up for a week or two without chocolate." L replied casually, popping the treat into his mouth after he had spoken.

"We're bored, tell us a stupid story!" Matt said, looking defiant beside Mello.

"A stupid story?" L asked. "Well in that case, one day two little boys bothered a nice, young man eating sweets, and he took a paddle to both their heads. The end."

Near laughed from across the room.

"No! An actual story!" Mello once again demanded.

"And not something dumb that takes five seconds!" Matt added.

L let out a breath. They clearly weren't going anywhere. "Fine…" he said, rolling his eyes. Mello and Matt high-fived before sitting down on the floor. And Near, having heard this, walked over wordlessly and sat down with them. They all looked up at L expectantly.

"…One day there were three pigs…" he started slowly and bluntly. "One had a house made out of chocolate, another had a house made out of video games, and the other had one made out of lego." He had their interest… and soon realized that he could have fun with this.

"One day, the one with the chocolate house was sitting in his chocolate living room, munching on his table. Then, an unexpected swarm of bees flew along and ate the whole house and everything in it."

"NOOOOO!!" Mello yelled and pointed his gun at L. L merely passed this off.

"The next day, the second pig was hanging out in his computer laboratory or whatever, and a tidal wave suddenly sweeped out of nowhere and screwed up the whole house." L said, a little more cheerfully now.

"GIMME THAT GUN!!" Matt shouted as he tried to grab the gun from Mello, pointing it towards his own head.

Near, on the other hand, was quite happy. He had heard a story like this before, and knew how it ended- the third house was the strongest and the other two pigs became dependant on the third one.

"…And the third pig was relaxing in his lego castle, when a dinosaur or something waltzed along and broke down the whole thing." L said with a smile as he ate another mini-chocolate.

Near's eyes started to water, and he suddenly burst into tears as L looked upon his handiwork.

Not a minute later, Watari entered looking confused and somewhat shocked. Of course, he should have been if he had seen two underage children looking upset and fighting over a gun, with a third one sobbing and an older young man was looking down at them, eating sweets and looking pleased.

"L…" he began, "what is this?"

"He told us a story, about three pigs, and the chocolate house was destroyed by bees and the video game house was ruined by water and the lego house was killed by a dinosaur…" Mello tried to explain through chokes and sobs.

Watari looked over to L. "…L, need I remind you of the story I told you, back when you were young, about the house made of candy?" he asked calmly.

L unexpectedly screamed and fell off balance, tumbling to his side. "I'll never be able to trust ankle-biting, candy-thieving little kids or wild animals again!" he exclaimed, clutching himself.

Watari chuckled as he looked at the scene. He stepped over to the children and helped them up.

"Come, children, let's get ice cream."


End file.
